fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
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