i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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