I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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