How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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