did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
barbara walters just said penis...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I could make wine with my vomit
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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