Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
