That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
