I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
