Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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