just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
