I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
