Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
3 2 1 whiskey
Randomize
