great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
