whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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