Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
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