what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
