My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
