I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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