Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
