i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
