We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
