So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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