Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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