It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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