Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
she smelled like a LAN party
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
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