Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I need moral support for this bender
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
