I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
