be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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