I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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