stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
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I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
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This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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