he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
whose parrot is this?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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