she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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