Umm I'm too high to move.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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