The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
