I can tuck mytits in my pants
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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