why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Randomize
