if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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