Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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