New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
