His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
