Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
