Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Randomize
