I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
