when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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