So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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