god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
