My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
