god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I see more hoeing in ur future
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