i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
