i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
