I'm really into asian looking animals
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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