I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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