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Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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