Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
