When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
