I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
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Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
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Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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