Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
