I looked at my own cervix.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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