My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
